Updated: Mar 8, 2022
It took me years to finally admit to myself that anxiety and depression don't just go away and I will probably live with this the rest of my life. It's not something you can turn on and off, although somedays I wish I could. I figured if I would just wait it out or fake it enough, that I would finally feel happier.... But my struggle and life, only got worse.
In my past relationships, with friends and boyfriends, my depression, anxiety, and addiction have always played a major role. Both good and bad. I would overthink everything. If I didn't get a text back for a couple hours, I immediately thought they didn't like me, I hurt their feelings, I did something to hurt them... on an on! When in all truthiness they were just busy. I would sabotage 'good' relationships because I felt it was too good to be true and sit and wait for the other shoe to drop. Without knowing it, there was a part of me that felt I didn't deserve people who loved me.
I have been let down, hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally, so many times, trust does not come easy, and it still doesn't. I wasn't in a good state mentally and emotionally so naturally I would pick the wrong people to be in my life. I got to the point where if my life wasn't chaotic, and my life slowed down, it was paralyzing.
I would numb myself with everything I could, and obsess over all the wrong things, like the food and the amount that went into my body, the number on the scale, what I looked like, how I dressed, how I presented my life... I figured if everything from the outside was perfect looking, my life would eventually be. I was always chasing something new, whether it was Masters Degree, my body image, the number in my bank account, and although those things aren't necessarily bad, it was bad for me at the time.
I had caused so much chaos in my life and dug myself into such a hole, that I figured it was easier to keep digging than to face my life and the outcome of the decisions I had made. However, living like this was just exhausting. You eventually just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and have to make a change. For me that change was moving. I needed to remove myself for the situation I was in, to focus on fixing myself, from the inside out. For me that first step, was completely quitting drinking because it did nothing but cause my to be more anxious and depressed. The weird thing is, when you struggle with addiction... you know you shouldn't drink, but yet you give into the couple hours of "feeling good" to not have to deal with real life at that moment, when in all actuality, you make everything worse. The anxiousness, guilt, shame, let down of drinking once again when I said I wouldn't, is the worst feeling in the world. I know everyone can relate to saying you won't do something, but yet do it anyway... now multiply that times at least 200 because that's the amount of times I let myself down (200 is probably really low too). I walked around with so much shame and sadness that sometimes, it was just too much to even get out of bed.
I am here to tell you that if you do suffer with any of these things, it's not too late to make a change for yourself. Forgiving yourself for you past mistakes is the very first step to gaining any momentum. Then in my case, giving up alcohol was the second because it did nothing positive for my life... literally. I was going to the gym, and eating right, but yet drinking so much, and then the next day being so hungover binge eating pizza and fries, piling even more guilt on for eating bad. That right there was not who I wanted to be.
I told myself, "I am not going to drink today" and started journaling and really focusing on my health and fitness, and here we are almost years later... all we have is TODAY. That's it. If I focused on anything over than today, I would stress myself out and get so anxious, so I kept it small.
Little steps in the right directions is better than nothing, and it's definitely better than going backwards. If you are struggling today, make a list of 3 things you can promise yourself that you should stop and/or do to make your life better and easier, I know you can point out at least 3... and decide that for today... you are going to do everything you can to keep that promise. And then when tomorrow comes.... tell yourself the same thing.
If I dug myself out of the what seemed like a bottomless pit, I know you CAN TOO!