Life has been hard... I needed a timeout.
Earlier this week I shared on social media that I would be sending you some insight into what I have been going through, and why I have been MIA on social media...
I need a timeout from my life.
What you are about to read is something I wrote last Tuesday the 15th, and yet I haven't posted in fear of judgement and looking weak, until now.
Couple years ago, I would've let this fear scare me out of sharing this with you, and this story would've ended up being just another one of the dozens of draft stories I have in my email.
Instead of opening up, I would continue to post 'select' stories and photos portraying me living a 'happy & perfect' life when in reality nothing is going right.
How many times have you done this?
Backed out of doing something in fear of what other people will think or failing!
By being vulnerable about my life and daily struggles, my hope is I help ONE person who feels like there is no point anymore, to keep going. To know they aren't alone.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction for almost a decade now and there have been times I thought life would be easier if I wasn't here on this earth anymore... but by me opening up to you...
YOU have given me hope.
You have made me feel not so alone or crazy.
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So here we go......
The past couple weeks have been awful, in every aspect of my life (mental, emotional, & physical) and I have had to take a break from everything... my friendships (isolating), the gym (I haven't lifted in 19 days), my work (my passion!), my nutrition (eating like garbage)... and I had ZERO motivation to start back into a routine I know will help me feel better. (It's funny how that works... we know what will make us feel better, but we don't want to do it.)
I truly believe that there is always a reason for every trial we go through but sometimes it gets to the point where I start to second guess everything, and ask what is the point, how can I possibly take any more!...you know?
My relationships and patience have been tested; my career is at a fork in the road; people I trusted let me down; my anxiety and depression has been paralyzing; I catch myself going back to bad habits like restricting my food intake because it's the only thing I feel I can control, and on top of that my physical health has now become an issue.
So what do I do when I start to feel like just hiding under my covers, not leave my apartment and talk to anyone? I give myself a day.
Let me tell you.. the process of 'allowing' myself to just chill is a hard to do when you have a high strung personality, ADD, OCD, and everything in between. But it's necessary!!
If you can relate to any of this.... you understand that even though you are fully aware that may need 'to take a day' or 'chill out', you don't, you keep pushing. Because its easier to just push through and stay busy then to sit there and have to process everything that is going on in your life and within yourself. Not to mention if you do finally decide to just sit and relax, you end up feeling guilty because there are so many things that you need to do or you may miss out on something.
So... you just push through and fake it like everything is fine, until you snap on someone, freak out, or burst out crying over the smallest thing because you feel overwhelmed and things aren't going your way.
This cycle is AWFUL, and you will never get out of it until you take time for YOU!
Saturday the 12th... I woke up, made some food, went to my couch, watched Netflix with the blinds drawn and my blanket, took a nap, and repeated that cycle until I went to bed. I barely checked my phone and only responded to necessary texts and calls, and that's ALL I did the entire freaking day.
When I woke up Sunday, the 13th, I grabbed my coffee and sat at my counter and took a couple minutes and wrote down everything that was on my mind... things I needed to do, things that were pissing me off, things that had hurt me, things I was feeling... everything, and after I was done I put it in the drawer, & started my day.
Most of the day I did things that I knew were going to make me feel 'organized & accomplished': I took a long hot shower and then got to work... I washed my sheets, caught up on laundry, I cleaned my apartment top to bottom, cleaned my car inside and out, hit the grocery store and loaded up on fruits and veggies, did some light cardio, stretched, listened to a couple motivational videos on YouTube & reached out to my clients.
Around 6pm, I grabbed what I had wrote in the morning and began reading... and because I was in a different head space and feeling good about myself, I began looking over what I had wrote and crossed out everything I had got done or wasn't feeling any more. The only things that were left, were things I consider pretty important...like my health, my relationships, & & my career.
The point of this story is that when we feel overwhelmed, stressed out, and not in control of our lives, the smallest of things feel so big.
We can only control ourselves and how we respond and react.
There is NO rule or law that says you have to pretend like everything is fine all the time.
No one is perfect, and no one should expect you to be perfect!
Do not feel guilty for taking time for you!
Do not feel guilty for not being 'ok'.
Do not feel guilty for resting and doing nothing.
Sometimes doin nothing, is doing something.
Remember you are amazing,
Nikki Oleksa
2.22.2022